I felt immediately better yesterday after I left the house. The apartment has a funk to it, now a days. Too much depression. I hate it. I've spent little time here and as a result cleaned nothing thus making me want to be gone even more.

Sometimes bloging gets me into trouble. I guess I didn't think anyone read the damn thing.

I had to most fucked up dreams last night. I kept waking up. This morning I tried to sleep in more but it wouldn't happen.

Apprenticeship made me feel like absolute crap. Afterward I sat in my car a cried for a good hour and then came home, kicked the cat out of my room and crawled miserably under the blanket. At some point someone opened my door to let the cat in to sleep. I was annoyed at that.

I'm sick of everyone. I'm sick of people always letting me down all the fucking time. Do you have any idea how much this hurts?


Oh, and I should be happy, right? I got a job. (Yes, I'm fucking thankful.) I did get to meet Mark Hamill. (Also, fucking thankful.) But nothing is going to change. At the end of the day, I'm still miserable because I'm cut off. I have no close relationships at all. They've all ended.

So maybe it's better to be alone. Then there's no one to bail on you. Maybe I should bail on everyone. That's honestly how I feel. It'd be like I was dead. I don't think anyone would care.

MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE!


I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MARK HAMILL WILL BE AT POINT PARK TODAY AT 2 PM AND I CAN MEET HIM!!

I'M GOING TO PEE!!!

Nice things that happened on Tuesday & Wednesday:

-Gretchen came over and we have literally an hour of kitty discussion. !!

-We went to the Carson Street Deli at their new spiffy location and enjoyed the sunshine and some yummy sandwiches.

-Went to the Beehive and saw Foo and met two random high school kids.

-Ran into Jessica from Kassab's.

-Took high schoolers, Foo and Gretchen to the Table.

-Met Randy there. Went to Ryan/Andrea's to meet Fat Bastard the cat, who is now my Myspace friend.

-Went to Crazy Mocha with Randy/Foo. Met up with iJustine.

-Went to the Owens house and fell asleep on a bearskin. !!


Yesterday:

-Gromley and I drove around in the beautiful weather, went to Lulu's, Schenley Park, and then watched the most recent episode of LOST. Now we have to wait a whole month!

-I was blessed financially.

-Peter came over and got me to go to the 17th Street house to play Risk. It was nice to hang out with those guys.

-I got to eat cookies.

-I got a pretty flower for my hair.

-I smiled a lot.

-I looked pretty.



I've been feeling better since yesterday. Gromley gave me a stern lecture in the car that I probably needed to hear. Since then I've been thinking about things. Maybe this "life cleanse" is to make way for something wonderful. I'm so sad that my friends are either leaving Pittsburgh or are not around at all and probably won't be for a long time. I've never been good at change. However, I'm open to the possibility that this could be the dawn of a new chapter in my life. Please! No more hardships for a little while. I just want to rest and recharge a bit.

Nice things about yesterday:

-Was able to print out my resume, some applications and my list of references at Alisa's. This will help my job search tremendously.

-Ate some yummy egg salad and other Easter dinner leftovers.

-Alisa bought cat food for Mimi.

-I still like my hair.

-Hung out with Jean Cox for a bit.

-I'm learning that a certain friend DOES care after all.

-I'm trying to open up to whatever God may be calling me to, if anything.



The rest of my day/night wasn't so nice. That's all I'm going to say about it.

Happy thoughts from yesterday:

-Easter! Christ rose! Empty tomb! Amen!
-I wore a great outfit and people liked it. It was bright vintage inspired with lots of throw back pieces including my fuchsia 30's hat, fishnets, and character t-straps. I felt pretty.*
-I got to hold my in-law's new baby Emerson. She is so adorable and well tempered. I held her for much of the evening. Holding a baby is a good excuse to go sit by yourself in the corner.
-The food was great and I got to take some home.
-I stopped by Seth's place on the way home. I haven't seen him in months so it was nice even though I only stayed 15 minutes or so. He's been having a horrible time too. He'll be going away to New Mexico for awhile to be with his family during a difficult time so we'll get together in a month or so when he's returned and feeling better. It was good to see him.
-I met Ryan Levis for coffee/drinks. He's been having it rough too. (Misery loves company and misfortune seems to abound.) But catching up with him was good.
-Mimi is adorable.
-Today I'll get to do laundry at Alisa's. She's also going to buy Mimi some cat food since I honestly can't afford it right now and she's almost out. I'll also be able to print out copies of my resume and some online applications which will be a huge help in my job search. It's best to have many hard copies of your resume and since I have no printer and no money to pay to print, this helps. I hope her printer works.


*I did have some depressed thoughts once I got to Dana's. I took time away from everything to cry in the bathroom a bit. I stared at my reflection in the mirror while sitting on the edge of the tub. I liked what I saw. I did think I looked beautiful on the outside. But I still hated myself for the person I am within and cried bitterly, messing up my makeup. I thought, "Aren't I pretty, Lord? I've done all I can to be beautiful and look at me, I AM beautiful. Why then am I still so unloved? Why won't anyone ever love me? Because you are no good inside. It doesn't matter how pretty you are, no one will ever love you, at least not for very long, because they'll see past your face and know that you're ugly inside and not worth shit."


Okay, so that wasn't so happy. I'm trying. Really, I am. God, can't you meet me half way? Can't I get a break?

THIS IS AN ATTEMPT AT BEING POSITIVE. HERE GOES:



Today I helped Justin film and got to hang out at Sam's house with the gang just like old times. I had fun but I'm not going to lie being there with those folks brought back some bittersweet memories.

I really, really, really like my hair right now. The length, cut and color are wonderful.

Joey is the most perfect dog ever. He even smells good. Today we spooned. I was the big spoon which is a rare occurrence for me. I asked him to be my boyfriend since I don't think Moe likes me anymore, but I think Joey dumped when I told him that he wasn't fulfilling some of my "needs." :-)

According to everyone who has seen it, the film I just did, particularly my death scene, looks AMAZING! I can't wait to see it! Thanks Carl and Dave for making maybe the best film I've ever worked on.

Aubrey has decided to move in after all! THANKS BE TO GOD! She has some Ikea furniture for the living room so I can finally get rid of that hideous couch! She'll move in June 1st. I'm going to take my mom's guitar and ask her to teach me to play.  We're going to decorate with thrift store goodies.  It will be fun!

I played piano and the accordion at Sam's today and have an overwhelming urge to become really good at both. (Well, I used to be good at piano.) I'm sure I can find an accordion on Craig's List and a little old man to teach me to play it. I'd like to sit on Carson Street and collect change. That would be fun.

My skin has been really clear lately. I gave myself a mild chemical burn by putting too much tea tree oil in my clay mask and my skin was peeling like a sun burn for a week but now that it's done it looks great! Yay for a free chemical peel.

Um...what else can I say that's positive? There are lots of negative thoughts coming to me but I'm not going to put them down. I need to reprogram my brain. I may in fact try to make a point of updating daily if only to list a few positive facts about the day even though it will be annoying as fuck and probably difficult...wait, that's not being positive. *sigh*

Oh! Ian is here. He's going to help me install and set my the Mac that Randy gave me. It's exciting. :-) This PC is a piece of shit so I'm thrilled to be getting rid of it.

I'm happy about the fact that I don't have to move again. I still haven't given up on the idea of leaving Pittsburgh but with Aubrey moving in it gives me SOMETHING solid to plan around.

I've applied to a few different places but next week I'm going to go up and down Carson to various restaurants and get a job. I don't think I have the patience to work at Nakama or The Cheesecake Factory. I'd just start punching people in the face. The Double Wide Grill might be cool and I should see if I can get in a Fat Head's since I know half the staff there anyway.



Yeah, I know I sound like I'm going to slit my wrists lately and I'd be a liar if I said that I don't think about it sometimes. I mean, come on. What do I really have going on? I'm turning 25 this year. I have a Bachelor's Degree that doesn't really do much for me. (I know, it's all about experience. The point is I didn't even want the damn degree in the first place.) I'm unemployed and can't seem to keep a job. I'm single and can't seem to keep a boyfriend.  I don't care to work in my field (broadcasting/journalism). I refuse to work for the man. I don't want to sit behind a desk. I've really been having a shitty, shitty time.

So, just to keep going with the positive theme, I guess I should say that I'm trying to overcome all of this and move on. I'm praying and reading my Bible more than I have in a long time. I'm not sitting idle feeling sorry for myself. I'm getting out at least and trying to be social even though I don't feel like it. I make an effort to look nice on the outside because I feel like shit on the inside. I'm trying. I'm pressing on even though it fucking hurts. I'm trying to be hopeful with nothing really in mind to hope for. I'm living on a prayer.

So life has kicked me in the face again.

I have no roommate for next year. I have to let my landlord know what's up by April 1st and I don't have a fucking clue.

I got fired. Again. And this time is seriously had nothing to do with me and wasn't my fault. I always blame myself, really. When something bad happens I always, always assume that I deserved it because I fucked up in some way. But this time it was just that my boss was flipping out and I was the unfortunate target of his wrath. So I got fucked. I have no income and I have to buy a fucking bridesmaid's dress tomorrow.

I went to Oakland on Monday and Tuesday both times just for an hour or two and I got a ticket BOTH DAYS! That's $70 I don't have. The first time I was in my car when the woman gave me the ticket and the second time I was at my car literally less than 5 minutes after the time printed on the damn thing.

My car needs to be fixed and I can't afford it.

I told my mom about getting fired and such and we got into this huge fight yesterday. I left the house and didn't talk to her again. She left for Italy today for 2.5 months. She did call from the airport just to say I love you and I'm sorry but she didn't say I'm sorry you're hurt it was more like "I'm sorry that you are such a fuck up that you took what I said the wrong way so it's really you're fault and I'm not sorry at all" So I guess she's going to send me an email once she gets settled... But yeah. Fun times.

I'm sick of all these fucking weddings. Can we please just rub it in a little more that I'll never be that happy? I can't even manage to keep a boyfriend for longer than a few months. I really am a fuck up.

So I really have no job prospects. (No desirable ones at least.) I'm having my doubts about beauty school which would start next month. I hate the condition of MOST of the relationships in my life. I still feel as if no one gives a shit. I'm sorry if this seems hurtful to those of you who have been in touch with me. It's not that I don't recognize your efforts, I just don't believe anything anyone says to me anymore. The last few people that have told me that they loved me have turned around and told me that they hate me so quickly afterward that I don't know what to believe. My heart is honestly in shambles. I don't know if I've ever felt so lost and alone in my life. I'd hang out with people but what's the point when they'll only decide they hate me too?

Depression is contagious and I'm sick of living in the thick stench of it. I'll be happy when my living situation changes. I can't take it anymore. I've tried doing all I can to help the situation but it's killing me and I'm sick of being silent about it. There is nothing I can say or do but it brings me down sooooooo much. I can't relax or have peace.


So who wants to take a shot at me?!  Seriously because now is your fucking chance.  Come on and let me have it!  After all, I deserve it.

I'm so sick of this horrible fucked up cycle. I'm sick of feeling betrayed and abandoned by people who don't really give a shit anyway. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of reaching out to people and occasionally even making a connection only to find that it wasn't real or that they don't care. I'm sick of saying goodbye. I'm sick of hearing "We'll hang out soon" knowing that it means "We'll hang out NEVER."

I hate the fact that every time I try to form friendships with females it never fucking works out because they are too busy or too cool. I'm sick of the fact that when I try to form friendships with males they are also either too busy or they're only interested in me because they find me attractive. Then, once they realize I'm not going to sleep with them OR once their romantic curiosity toward me has been satisfied, they don't care anymore and become too busy as well.

I've seriously tried and reached out to people. I have these (seemingly) awesome conversations with people who lament and say that they feel the same way! YET AMAZINGLY when I try for weeks, even fucking months to reach out and grow closer all I get is ignored and rejected. Fuck this. I'm soooooooooooooo sick of it. As a result I'm afraid to reach out to ANYONE especially someone new. I don't want to get close to people just to have them pull away. I'M SICK OF SAYING GOODBYE. I'M SICK OF LETTING GO. I'M SICK OF HAVING MY HEART BROKEN ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

And no one cares. If I think about those who are my so called "best friends" I can't count on them for any thing! They're too busy or they live too far away and are too busy to call or write.

I hate the fact that nothing feels real. Every time I start to feel safe the world collapses under my feet. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night, alone. I'm sick of crying to my cat who also hates me.

You can only try to initiate a hang out with someone so many times before you just feel too rejected and give up. Every phone call that goes unreturned or text message that is ignored is like another twist of the knife. You begin to think that you're not lovable and that no one will ever really care for you. Guy or girl. You, start to wonder if YOU'RE the problem. I mean, it's only logic. Maybe it isn't everyone else. Maybe you are just that shitty and you really aren't worth people giving a damn. Maybe you are a horrible person who isn't fun. Maybe you are EASY TO IGNORE AND FORGET.

OR maybe you're not. Maybe it doesn't matter how smart, fun, pretty, interesting, or nice you are. Maybe it's all fucked no matter what because people are too selfish and flawed to care about anyone but themselves. Either scenario makes me sick. If that's the way the world really is, then I don't want to live in it.

Maybe I should follow suit and run away to someplace exotic too just like everyone else is.

Now it's time to go to church and hug people who PRETEND like they give a shit about me... actually, some of them don't even pretend. They just totally ignore you.

2008 had been rough for me. Brief updates:

-Had a terrible month at CMU
-Got fired from CMU
-John Brown tragically left us
-Got two random, nasty notes on my car
-A very close friend is sick and it's been weighing on me
-JJS and I have decided to part ways
-Hot Metal is homeless
-Still felt disconnected from friends/community
-Didn't feel much like praying or seeking God
-Another good friend fell into some deep trouble
-Family drama
-Got really, really sick


Romans 5:2-5
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.


Things are better now.

-Even though I got fired, Kassab's had full time hours for me (God is good)
-Justin and I are speaking again
-I've been feeling God's presence again
-I've been seeing a lot more of my friends
-I miss JJS a lot but we're not going to cut each other off. My wish is for us to remain close
-I'm on this amazing state government health care program that enables me to visit the Gyno and get all care and prescriptions for free
-Acting in a film with Dave Kiss and Carl Frey - It's fantastic
-Bought new, new bed sheets
-Things with the family are awesome
-My sister is pregnant
-I'm finding myself again
-Mimi is doing really well
-I'm feeling happy with where I sit in life


Also, even though I know I already announced this in this same blog years ago...

I've decided that I AM really going to beauty school. I'm making an appointment this week. Mom is going with me.



That's about all I have for now.  I'll try to update more often since February was post-less. 

Today I uploaded my information and two photos (not headshots because I don't have any real or recent ones) to Nancy Mosser's website. When filling in my information, I got super depressed. Today is a low self-esteem day, I guess. Or month. Or year.

I have to take responsibility for the way I feel. This isn't anyone else's problem or fault. I'm not saying that I'm going to beat myself up and say "I'm so awful that I'm just going to wallow in my own self hatred because I'm too bad to do anything right" but I have to realize that the only person/thing that's going to change how I feel is me.

I've put far too much stock in other people. Not just boyfriends, but friends too. I've been trusting that other people would help me along by giving me love, confidence, advice, opportunities, etc. but it's all been a huge disappointment. I'm sick of people not acting on their promises too.

I just feel really down today.

Thank God I'm having dinner with Dani-Bella after work. She can make my day brighter. We won't even bother to talk about such ridiculous things. We'll go get Italian someplace and talk about LOST.

But, yeah. I still feel like a giant loser. I'm 24-years-old. I have never believed in myself. I've never taken my own dreams seriously. I'm terrified of ending up just like everyone else; numb, dejected, compliant...I look around at the world and I think "Why isn't everyone working toward what they really want?"

I mean, let's look at my office for example. Do any of these people here consider this their dream? Probably not. Most of them are married and have kids. They work here to support their families. I'm not saying this is BAD. I just mean, what did they really want to do and why did that slip away? Do they look back and regret?

I don't want to. This is why for so long I swore I was never going to have children. I don't want to fall into the trap of being a typical, working-class, citizen. The suburbs, the dog, the 2.5 kids, the SUV...I don't want it. How do you run away from this?

I LIKE my desk job, meaning that as far as day jobs go, it's pretty easy and pays okay, but I'm not having fun. I honestly have more fun waiting tables. I get to talk to people and move around. I get to appreciate yummy, ethnic food. I've been wishing more and more that I could quit this CMU job and work at Kassab's full time. But then I'd have no health insurance.

I'm just restless at this point. I'm not really moving anywhere in life and I don't want to get stuck here. I think going back to school would help. It's going to cost me a fortune, but I don't even care. My debt situation is pretty good right now. What's another few thousand? Sure I'll be paying it off but if I end up happy then who cares?

Pittsburgh? LA? New York? Sicily? Sydney? Where do I belong? What should I really be doing? Desk job? Waitressing? Acting? Cutting hair? Ministry? Missions? Am I a big phony? Am I really worthless as I feel sometimes? If I'm "destine for bigger things" then why do I feel so small and insignificant?

They say the key is to find the thing that moves you most and to chase that. I have no idea what moves me anymore. I feel betrayed by the arts in a way. I feel like there's no way I'm cut out for ministry. I'll go crazy if I have to do this desk thing my whole life. Damn the need for money! I hate money. I don't want fancy shit. I don't care about having nice things. I care about doing great things. But I must keep working to make money.

I want to run away. I want to disappear from everyone and everything I know. I want to be a child again and rediscover myself. Maybe I'm actually really into tennis and I just never knew it! Maybe I'm suppose to be a mountain climber, a basket weaver, a bee keeper, a hotel maid, an oil rig roughneck, or a senator!

I know I'm good at working with people. I know I can hold the attention of a room of people for an extended length of time. I know that I'm going at conveying a point or idea intelligently. Should I be a teacher? A tour guide? A lobbyist? A lawyer? An actress?



This rant is a mess of random ideas, like my head. I've been really angry and hostile these last two weeks. I feel like I could go off at any minute. Perhaps I need some Valium.

Yeah, I'm not okay. Thanks for asking.

I sent this minutes ago via Burt's Bees online comments area. If I get a response back, I'll post it. I sound really pissed, but then again, I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To Mr. John Replogle, President and CEO:

I am absolutely furious and devastated to learn of Clorox's acquisition of Burt's Bees. I feel as if a good friend I’d come to care for and trust has just stabbed me in the back.

I was a huge fan of your company and it’s products and used a variety of them on a daily basis including your shampoos, conditioners, clay mask, various lip balms, lip gloss, blemish stick, body wash, body lotion, and hang soap just to name a few. In fact, Burt’s Bees was the only brand that I felt safe purchasing from without scrutinizing the label, believing with peace of mind that my dollars were going to support causes and business practices that I believed in.

I have struggled with skin allergies for years. At first I didn’t know what was causing my skin to itch. I followed suggestions and advice from friends and beauty columns. I used body lotion daily. I visited multiple doctors. I suffered and spend hundreds of dollars, trying every product in the drug store that claimed it would alleviate my ailment. Each purchase was a frustrating disappointment. I was at my wits end.

It wasn’t until I started using Burt’s Bees and other nature-made compounds (like witch hazel and tea tree oil) that I realized that chemicals were to blame. I was relieved to find natural products that also worked so well. I have hard to manage hair but your shampoos and conditioners agreed with it wonderfully. My skin has not itched once since I began using your body wash which left me feeling clean. And I loved the natural scents. I also was overjoyed to read about Burt’s business practices, cruelty-free testing, responsible packaging, etc. I really felt good about the fact that my money, (and as we all know, “natural” products are not cheap!), was helping to support initiatives I believed in, such and The Greater Good. I even occasionally purchased Burt’s Bees products from The Hunger Site.

This past holiday season, I gave 7 people on my list various Burt’s Bees sample packs and starter kits including the Head-to-Toe Starter Kit, Travel Shower Kit, Men’s Travel Kit, lip balm multi-pack, and Mani-Pedi Kit, to name a few. I made sure to let each of the receivers know how pleased I was with the products and the company. I raved about Burt’s Bees quality and business practices. I even went as far as to encourage them to purchase the items in the kits they found they liked best, attempting to introduce more people to the joys of holistic beauty and personal care. I truly was an advocate for your company!

I am now embarrassed of my words and actions this holiday season as I only learned of your Clorox merger yesterday. Ironically, I learned this fact just after returning from the store and stocking up on the Burt’s Bees products I used regularly. I am going to send an email to my friends and family apologizing for my error and ignorance since the purchase of your company occurred before Christmas.

What a disappointment! I will never buy Burt’s Bees again. I will not give one more cent of my money to a company like Clorox. It seems that I am back at square one in the quest for products that won’t irritate my skin and work well. Just thinking about going through all of that trial and error again makes my stomach turn.

I don’t understand your corporate economics people. You really don’t get it, do you? The reason Burt’s Bees became successful wasn’t because of some magic recipe or because they happened to find a niche in a growing market trend. It was BECAUSE it was small, privately owned, ethically managed and did good things with its success.

And as for the growing profitability to be found in the “green movement,” granted there are consumers out there who are only shopping at Whole Foods and buying hybrid cars because its become trendy recently or because some celebrity told them that “it’s hip to be green” but those spending dollars will be whisked away elsewhere as soon as the next trend hits. Values and ideas are not always potential profits! You can’t capitalize on a movement that is anti-capitalization! It’s like going to war for peace; it is simply an oxymoron. It is clear to me that the core ideas and values behind the true “green movement” are something that large corporations can not even begin to comprehend and even if they could they never would because those at the top would not be able to support the lavish lifestyles they lust after if their companies were truly “green.”

The claim that Clorox wants to “learn from Burt’s Bees unusual business practices” is simply bollocks. The execs see a growing trend and want to capitalize on it. They are keeping up with Colgate-Palmolive and other major players who’ve also decided that words like organic, cage-free, natural, etc. move products from shelves. If the giants really wanted to “learn to be green” from Bert’s Bees or other little guys, they should instead learn by example or hire a “green consultant” or perhaps even take notice of Burt himself. The man lives in a converted turkey coop with out electricity, for God’s sake! Talk about really going to extra mile to make a difference!

I am truly sad and disappointed in myself that I fell for yet another con from a company I thought I could trust. I should have dug deeper and read more carefully. It seems that a purchase has been in the works for some time and that Roxanne had intent to eventually sell out when she sold 80% of the company to AEA Investors five years ago. I am now a less naive and more cautious consumer. Using up the Burt’s Bees products I just purchased yesterday will be a bitter experience for me as each use or application will only be a reminded of how Burt’s Bees disappointed and misled me.

Best of luck with your profiteering,

Corinne Shetter
Pittsburgh, PA

I've been trying to find beauty products that don't make my skin itch for years! (See past entries.) I realized that chemicals were the culprit. However, I also felt like a hypocrite not using animal friendly products. So...

After YEARS of searching....FINALLY! I fall in love with a line and a company! They're stuff actually works and they have good business practices. They do major work with the Greater Good campaign. I even bought everyone I know Burt's Bees for Christmas! I raved about the company to anyone who'd listen and told everyone to buy their stuff. I use regularly:

-Burt's Bees Classic Lip Balm (who doesn't?)
-Burt's Bees shampoos and conditioners (various formulas)
-Burt's Bees Body Wash (the ONLY thing I've found that don't make me itch but still makes me feel clean and smells great)
-Burt's Bees Blemish Stick and Clay Mask (this combination works better on my skin than Proactiv)
-Burt's Bees Strawberry Lip Gloss
and a variety of other products

and then I find...

they FUCKING SOLD OUT!

ARGH!!!!

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/06/business/06bees.html

Why is it that every time I find something I love it gets ruined?! Why is it that people who are in charge of corporations seems to grasp the idea that people like ethics but have no ethics themselves?

Some would say "Don't worry Cori. Just buy another natural brand."

But look! They're all selling out!

Unilever bought Ben & Jerry's
L’Oréal paid $1.4 billion for the Body Shop
Colgate-Palmolive bought 84 percent of Tom’s of Maine

Also, it's so hard to find products that actually work and continue to work. I've been on a quest for the perfect mascara for years! Every time I think I've fond it, they either discontinue the brand or the formula seems inconsistent.

I think I'm going to cry...


PS-I envy Burt's ability to live in a turkey coop. Wow.

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

3 Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
4 In you our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried and were rescued;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by mankind and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me;
they make mouths at me; they wag their heads;
8 "He trusts in the LORD; let him deliver him;
let him rescue him, for he delights in him!"

9 Yet you are he who took me from the womb;
you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts.
10 On you was I cast from my birth,
and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
11 Be not far from me,
for trouble is near,
and there is none to help.

12 Many bulls encompass me;
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
13 they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.

14 I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
15 my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;
you lay me in the dust of death.

16 For dogs encompass me;
a company of evildoers encircles me;
they have pierced my hands and feet

17 I can count all my bones—they stare and gloat over me;
18 they divide my garments among them,
and for my clothing they cast lots.

19 But you, O LORD, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!
20 Deliver my soul from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dog!

21 Save me from the mouth of the lion!
You have rescued me from the horns of the wild oxen!

22 I will tell of your name to my brothers;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise you:
23 You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you offspring of Jacob, glorify him,
and stand in awe of him, all you offspring of Israel!
24 For he has not despised or abhorred
the affliction of the afflicted,
and he has not hidden his face from him,
but has heard, when he cried to him.

25 From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
my vows I will perform before those who fear him.
26 The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the LORD!
May your hearts live forever!

27 All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before you.
28 For kingship belongs to the LORD,
and he rules over the nations.

29 All the prosperous of the earth eat and worship;
before him shall bow all who go down to the dust,
even the one who could not keep himself alive.
30 Posterity shall serve him;
it shall be told of the Lord to the coming generation;
31 they shall come and proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn,
that he has done it.

I hate your spell checker for Firefox version 2.0.0.11

It gives me horrible suggestions that are never even close to the original word.

It's very very easy to accidentally add the misspelled word to the dictionary, thus over time making me look like an illiterate jerk face because my commonly misspelled words don't get corrected.

I can not edit or change the options at all because it is a plug-in.

It does not get "smarter" like other spell check programs. In fact, I would argue that it gets DUMBER.

I don't recall ever installing this plug-in and while I can view it in my options list, it doesn't let me uninstall the plug in from the options menu like most other plug-ins.

Mozilla, I'm disappointed. You let me down this time. My frustrations with your shitty checker grew large enough today to prompt a blog post. Most disappointing indeed.



I know what will bring some cheer! A kitty. Sure. That sounds nice.





Oh PS - I FINALLY, at LAST, own a freaking iPod. A functioning iPod. New, not some ebay rip off.

I've wanted an iPod since my senior year of high school when I first saw an advertisement for a device that "could play hundreds of songs and was the size of a pack of cigarettes" on the back cover of a National Geographic. Wow, that sounds weak and huge now. Funny, they placed early advertising in places geeks would notice.

I named her Princess Mela (Mela=Apple in Italian). I'm thinking of making it Principessa Mela so the entire name is in Italian.

And I'm going to listen to my film soundtracks at work.

Thanks
be
to
GOD!

Today, one of my co-workers asked me if I was in a cult.  Her mother-in-law was reading the Christmas Day Post-Gazette and said "Look at these cult people in the South Side.  They're starting their own religion."

Here's the article they're referring to for those of you who didn't read it:
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07359/844316-85.stm

My co-worker started to laugh when she saw my name and quote.  "That's our receptionist!", she said.

The mother-in-law replied with a sarcastic tone, "Well, I guess they are doing SOME good.  At least according to this article."

At first, I laughed.  But when my co-worker told me what her mother-in-law said ("they do SOME good")  and she mimicked the tone in her voice I just buried my hands in my face and bit my tongue.  I felt so angry.  And hurt.  And judged.  A cult?  Are you serious?  So what if we all get tattoos and live together?!  (Oh, I guess that does sound like a cult...)  We do "SOME good?!"  We spend more time on the streets than we do in church!!

So, I made a joke about the tattoos.

Another co-worker, one of my bosses, came out of his office and started to lecture me about why I should never, ever get a tattoo.  He told me I'd change my mind and regret it.  He told me a story about his sister-in-law and her regret over her choices regarding body art.  He wrote down her phone number and asked me to call her.  He was serious.  I told him that I wasn't going to get something that was "cool" or "sexy" but instead something that represented my love and commitment to Christ.  He said it didn't matter and handed me the phone number.

I got more defensive.  I got passionate.  At first I tried to explain myself and my church, but then I realized that was wrong.  So I started to talk about Jesus. Before I knew it, I had an audience of four people, all old enough to be one of my parents, and a few more listening from a distance.   It's amazing how scripture just starts to come out and you have no idea when you read it or why you remembered it.  But I was startled at myself.  I quoted Acts 2:42-47 almost verbatim.  (Which, okay, also kind of sounds like a cult.)

I told them that my church and I were just trying to love God, love each other, and love the world that we were trying to do that the best we could.  I told them that it didn't matter who was in our church and that's why it was so attractive to "edgy" folks.  I tried to explain that we were all God's children regardless of what we'd done and that I wasn't better than the ex-convicts, drug dealers, homeless schizophrenics, or even than Saddam Hussein.  I told them that when I lie or think evil things that it is the same to God and killing my own mother.  BUT BUT BUT!

"This is best part!" I said, excitedly thinking that it'd all make sense to them after I said the next sentence.

"The amazing thing is that God STILL loves me.  And that He forgives me.  And all I have to do is ask.  There are only two rules: 'Love God.  Love each other.'  And it's not easy but it's what I try to do.  Every day."

Puzzled faces.  Squinting eyes.  Then my co-worker said, "Honey, you are not the same as Saddam Hussein."


I felt like it all fell on deaf ears.  I probably said the wrong things.  They don't want to hear that they are the same as Saddam.  Who would?  That sucks.  I shouldn't have started taking about God at all.  I should have just laughed and said "Yep, I'm in a cult!  Want some Kool-Aid?"

I didn't mean to start preaching.  Although let's be honest, you guys know me.  I'm a preachy sort of gal.  I can get passionate and preachy about Star Wars or Starbucks if you start asking questions about either topic.  I just wanted them to know that Hot Metal wasn't a cult.  I wanted to defend my family; my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I went back to my desk feeling pretty crappy and foolish.  I hate the whole label of "emergent church" or "post-modern church" but I thought maybe Wikipedia had a better definition that I did for what I was trying to explain.  So I did a Google search, looking for some comfort and clarity.  This is what I found:

Motivational Posters for the Emerging Church Conversation Chaos

LINK:
http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/posters.htm


Great.  More ignorance.  Those posters honestly upset me.  Some of them are really angry, ignorant, and hateful.  Why?  I don't understand.  I never did.  This is why I hated "Christians" for most of my adult life.  My experience with them was always less than positive.  That is, before I came to Hot Metal.  But I'm not going to be equally ignorant and say that Hot Metal is the only place "real Christians" exist because that's just bullocks.  

All I know is that for some reason, the silly dramas, free food, and loving people kept me coming back.  All I know is that we're doing something right, EVEN IF IT IS NOT RIGHT FOR EVERYONE.  What is so wrong with that?

RANDOM OBSERVATION:

Below is a list of how some of my "Jesus Pals" identify themselves under the "Religious Views:" category on Facebook. I relate to each of these, but I bolded my favorites:

"I love Jesus and He loves me (and you)"
"see: actions (but only look sometimes)"
"God is sweet"
"trying to follow christ"
"that jesus guy is pretty okay"
"One full of grace and truth"
"Love God, love people"
"Post-Christian"
"'To love another person is to see the face of God'"
"God is love"
"Other"
"Religion broke me. God will fix me."
"Christian - I follow Christ"
"trying to be like Jesus"
"Holy Spirit proceedth from the Son proceedth from the Father"
"Follower of Jesus Christ"
"He is Ultimately Good"
"Following the Leader"
"Identifies deeply with the Prodigal Son"
"Follower of Jesus"
"Believer" (two of these)
"Blind beggar, sitting in the doorway; a.k.a. a precarious atheism"
"rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn"
"Bad-ass Christian"
"Lets share real communion"
"beloved and thankful"
"Yeshua"
"faith, hope, and love"
"Yay, Jesus!!"
"'We have all our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs. God of peace, we want you.'"
"Discipleship with Chrsit"
"Spes mea in Iesus est..."
"Christian (the helpful people-loving kind)"


A handful of yinz just put "Christian." I was however amazed to really break this down. Why do so many of us not want the "Christian" label? I have my own answer, but just wanted to ask the question anyway.

My own, label?

"Follower of the teachings of Christ"





Also, in case you didn't see: we made both the Trib and the PG. I got quoted in the PG story. Both have some great photos:



Hot Metal faithful find no room at inn

Losing their religion

And to be honest, the Trib's article kind of sucks. Didn't all of the media, (USA Today, Wall Street Journal, Today Show, NY Times, etc.) already discuss this idea back in the Spring of '06? Yeah, way to play catch up. They also seemed to get some facts wrong. We're not looking for new space-we got KICKED OUT. It says we meet at the Goodwill building. This should be past tense. Lazy reporting=not making the real story more clear.

You know, how am I supposed to know that you want me to hold your fucking calls today unless you tell me? I generally do send people away but then you get upset about that.

Grr, I ask questions but people don't want to offer up information because they want to be put through. It's all a game and sometimes, I lose. Sorry. I'm doing my best and I'm learning don't be a bitch about it and roll your eyes at me.

Okay, I get it that you've decided that you don't like me after all. What can I do to make you like me? Nothing. I'm doing my best. I do slack off but you know that this position entails a certain degree of slackage.


*phew*


I'm in a cranky mood myself today. I have uncomfortable and disturbing dreams.

I have new sheets and duvet cover for my bed. They are oh so pretty but since they are new they are a little scratchy still. It will take a few washings before they get buttery, soft against my skin. Still I'm a little disappointed in them.


I need a red sweater to complete this year's Christmas outfit that I'm envisioning.

There are so many sweets at my office. I'm going to get as fat as Aunt Pitty. It also doesn't help that my knee is still a big open soar which basically makes yoga impossible. I just need to find the motivation to do exercise on my own that doesn't require me to be on my knees.

Once again, I find myself exhausted even though I got nearly 8 hours of sleep. Perhaps working 14 hour days is not an option for me. I thought I could hack it but perhaps I can't. I don't want to quit Kassab's. I love the food and the family. My job at CMU is great too. I have benefits. It's a good place to advance in my "career" (whatever that is.)

Still kicking around the idea of Beauty School. I have decided, however, to stay in Apprenticeship and to actually show up. I'm going to try to work toward resolving the issues that are keeping me from attending and that's something I'm going to have to do with out closure because I'm obviously not going to get closer from the other party involved.

Since Apprenticeship is a-ago, that means that I won't be able to enroll in beauty school until the summer. I'm canceling my appointment with PBA tonight and going to Apprenticeship instead.

So I haven't given up on beauty school but it just means I'll think about enrolling come summer time.


I'm in the Hot Metal Christmas play and that makes me happy. Even though I have a small part, I'm glad to have a part at all considering the fact that I haven't shown up at the Creative Arts meetings in a long time.


I guess I'll do some work.

Instead of beating myself up some more, after posting my previous entry I decided to call both the Pennsylvania Beauty Academy and the South Hills Beauty Academy to request information.

I'm going to schedule a tour with each school to decide if I should enroll and which I'd enroll in. I can get my current loans deferred while I'm attending and take out some loans to cover the cost in addition to making monthly payments.

I'm sort of excited about it. I think I'd really like cutting hair.

See? I'm not such a schlub after all.

These last few weeks have been a nightmare, but I think I've turned the corner. Brief update:

MY HEALTH: I feel and I hurt my knee. Nearly cut off my thumb AGAIN at Kassab's. I recently got my "yearly exam" which was much overdue. Hopefully going back on certain meds. will help to level out my moods and girly issues.

MY WORK: I've been slacking off at CMU and folks are starting to notice. Today I made a conscious effort to stay on task. I let a few things slip by and I procrastinated too long on another project. I think I pissed one of my superiors off. I feel like a shlub.
Kassab's is going well, except for the cutting of my thumb. Even though I'm always tired, I'm glad to be making the extra money. Oh and eating free hummus/tabouli/falafel twice a week also has its benefits.

MY FAITH: Went to Hot Metal last Sunday for the first time in months. Some people noticed and that was nice. Others did not notice and that made me sad. I plan on going to Hot Metal the next few Sundays since they will be the last in the Goodwill building. (God, will I ever miss that place.) Afterwards, I'll alternate between Hot Metal and Catalyst. I also want to check out ACAC upon the strong recommendation of one of my regulars at Kassab's, Bob, who is a member there.
Apprenticeship is... I haven't really gone in a month. I met with Jim and Renee on Tuesday to discuss things. It really helped. Thank God for them. I may have coffee with Renee again sometime soon or after the holidays. She has so much wisdom and made me feel a lot better.

MY CAT: I mentioned that I fell. I fell picking up fatty, Mimi, my adorable kitten. I think that I may have injured her when I fell because I noticed on Monday (fell on Sunday) that there was a soar lump on her chin. I took her to the vet. yesterday. I noticed in the morning before taking her that it have either burst or she had scratched it open. (It had drained.) The vet. showed me her chin: it looks almost like a puncture wound! Did this happen because she fell or is the infection due to something else and the tiny hole just where the infection decided to burst and drain? We'll find out. She's on an antibiotic and I'm going to put Neosporin on it a few times a day. That should help. The good news? She's lot 5 lbs. in 4 months! Yay, kitty!

MY FAMILY: We can't seem to get along sometimes. It's so hard around the holidays. We've decided to take some steps that should help. But yeah, this have been incredibly stressful.
Also, Mom and Dana were both in the hospital this last week and a half. They're both alright, but again, streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees...

MY HOME: I need to clean. Again. Saygun has been wonderful about keeping up with their dishes and the trash but I need to do my part. And laundry. Lots of laundry.
I'm also thinking about selling all of my Broadway Tour posters. I have quite the collection and duplicates of many. I'm sick of having so much stuff. I want to get rid of things that I don't need or use.
I did recently get new sheets and a new duvet. They're lovely. Thank God for Isaac Mizrahi and Target.
Maybe I'll finish my fucking curtains before 2007 is over. And, maybe I won't. I need to emotionally prepare myself for the self inflicted disappointment/guilt.

MY BOY: All I can really say is that I love him, I miss him and I'm very proud of him. He IS coming home for Christmas and I'm very excited about that.

MY HOLIDAYS: I totally missed Hanuka this year. Bummer. I'm basically done Christmas shopping. I do have a few more things (I think) I should pickup. Apprenticeship is doing a gift exchange. I'm not even sure if I'm in it or not... The family was supposed to do cookies/lasagna making and the tree but we decided to fight instead. I hope things around the 25th are better.
I'm also sad that I'm not the in the Hot Metal Christmas pageant this year, if there even is one...?

MY BODY/FACE/HAIR: The one thing in my life I like right now. I'm really happy with my hair length. I've also seemed to find the right combination of products and tools to get it there. SO MUCH of beauty is trial and error. I got new makeup. I splurged and got the fancy "Bare Minerals" brand after hearing raves about it from several women whose opinions I trust. I really like it alot.
I'm still searching for the prefect mascara and eyeliner. I had some that were really great, but they were both discontinued. I've been no a crimson red lipstick kick for awhile. It's the flapper in me wanting to come out. It compliments my hair. Since JJS is in Cali., I don't wear makeup everyday, only when I feel like I need to be impressive. (Read, not at work.) I will put on some eyeliner and lipstick from time to time and when I do everyone at the office notices: "You look great today!" Is it really that dramatic? Should I wear this stuff all the time? I don't perticularly feel like it and it's better for my skin if I don't. I'm staring to worry about wrinkle prevention.
I've been going to yoga faithfully. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm starting to see my old body again; flexible yet toned. It makes me feel good.

MY CAR: In lieu of the winter weather I got a parking pass to a lot on campus. Since it's dark out when I leave work nowadays, it's not really safe to walk through the park alone anymore. They make the parking pass so easy too. It comes right out of my paycheck BEFORE taxes. How 'bout that? The poopy part: I got a ticket on my third day of parking in the lot. Why? There are, evidently, different ZONES, which are sectioned off by markings that are painted ON THE GROUND which was COVERED IN SNOW. I'm disputing it.
I finally got a new hubcap for the front, driver's side tire. Betsy seems happy with it. Thanks ebay!

MY FRIENDS: Seems like everyone is either really busy or really overwhelmed with craziness the way I have been. I'd like to see more of everyone. This evening I'm seeing Randy and Jen and then having dinner with Jean afterward. Then I need to go to bed. I'm still tired. If I get to bed late one night it seems like I'm exhausted for the next week.

MY GAMING: Considering that I started over playing Zelda Twilight Princess only a few weeks ago, I've made remarkable progress. Yes, I'd played half of the game before, but I'm not past where I previously was in about half the game play time. Shane is a human strategy guide. He remembers where everything is. Everything. It's very helpful though I resist asking for help because I like figuring out the puzzles on my own. I want a Wii for Christmas. But if I did get one, I probably never leave the house.

Nice segue.

My DREAM Christmas Wish List: (I'm not giving this to anyone because I know it's not realistic, but this is my journal so I can talk about whatever I want.)

-New Paint job and body work for my car. There are numerous cracks and scratches. Also, the paint is faded by the sun on the roof, but not the hood (being that it was replaced a few years back) so it's almost different colors.

-Detailing work on the inside of my car. It's kind of dirty.

-New black boots. The trick? I want either the same pair I had or something nearly identical. Too bad no one makes boots without spike heals or sharply pointed toes

-Facial, massage & pedicure. It would be nice to be pampered. And I want the real deal, not something that I could do myself.

-Beauty school. Maybe I should look into applying for financial aid and make this happen. I dyed Lauren's hair with fancy, professional stuff from Sally's. I think I'd really love to cut hair.

-More vintage everything. I'm talking the real stuff, not Urban Outfitters' overpriced knockoffs.

-Anything Hello Kitty. Maygun already made this wish come true! I love you!

-New bath towels. Mine are old, shabby and scratchy. I got them back in 2002 so I think I've gotten good use out of them.

-My first tattoo. I may splurge on this and go for it anyway. But I'm afraid I won't like it. I want to be sure.

-An iPod with lots of memory. I don't want a Nano. I want at least 30 gigs. I don't care about video, I'm too much of a snob to watch video on that tiny screen anyway.

-An LCD projector with home theater speaker system. Dream on, girlfriend. I'd also need to ask Santa for a new living room to set this up in since it really wouldn't work in my current space.

-Flat screen TV mounted over my bed and a fancy breakfast in bed table system. I'd only ever have to get up to pee!

-One year's worth of groceries at Whole Paycheck, I mean, Whole Foods. I'd also need to ask Santa for the cooking classes to prepare all of that fanciness.

-Electrolysis so I'd never have to shave again. If I ever do get the money, I swear I'll do it. It'd be worth it.


That's all I got. I'm hungry.